Clueless Aliens

The Dawn of the Clueless Alien

When Your Real Spouse Disappears…

THE DAWN OF THE CLUELSS ALIEN

By Linda J. MacDonald

          [While both men and women may betray their spouses, I more often used the “he” pronoun to simplify my writing. Also, I wrote this mostly for the benefit of those who see such an attitude change in their spouses, when reconciliation is unrealistic. That does not mean I don’t think people can change. But for those who don’t, the betrayed partner can find the sudden turn-about in a formerly faithful spouse heart-wrenching and  mind-bending. I trust this theory will provide some comfort and understanding if your spouse or partner has become like a stranger to you. ~Linda]              

Chocolate, curly-furred Charlie was a small but decrepit dog who wandered into our yard periodically. Half-blind and hard of hearing, we found him rather endearing. He didn’t seem to know where his real home was so, after a few hours, we would call our neighbor to retrieve him.

One day, while we were still deciding whether to reconcile, we were packing up, taking things to the dump, and preparing to move out of our lovely home to a rental in another town. My husband had just loaded up a borrowed truck. While backing up, he heard a short, loud yelp. He jumped out of the truck to notice a lifeless, bleeding dog under his back wheels. It was poor old unsuspecting Charlie. He never saw it coming.

I could tell that James was very distraught over having accidentally run over our neighbor’s dog. With tears streaming down his face, he stumbled toward the house to fetch a garbage bag and call the neighbor. When I reached out to hug James, he rebuffed me. He wanted no sympathy or comfort from me. The message was clear: stay away. You are not a welcome source of solace.

Even though we had been in crisis for nearly a year, it surprised me when he shunned me, even in a sad situation like this. This was so unlike the man I had known him to be.

Heartbroken, I turned away. Another reminder of how detached he’d become. I found it all so mind-bending. I was used to warm hugs and caring gestures from him over the years. But ever since the sparks flew with the other woman, I’d been relegated to the status of an acquaintance, sometimes a stranger, and occasionally, an enemy.

Why did I seek his presence so much, despite his emotional distance? My guess is that when he was physically near, my trembling quieted down, and my anxiety leveled off to a more tolerable degree. At least he wasn’t with her. Maybe there was hope. But when he was away from home or when I saw the now familiar distant look in his eyes, my anxiety was off the charts as if I had a million bees buzzing inside me.

I had hoped that since he and the other woman had recently broken up (for the second time), that his heart would thaw, and we could begin the work of repairing and rebuilding our marriage. Looking back, I can hardly believe the denial I was in. It was obvious his heart had flipped a switch. His rationalizations to justify his affair had gone from mud to cement over the previous months. The blame was laser focused on me. I was the “reason” he fell in love with someone else. I was not playful enough. I was boring. I didn’t know how to banter with him like she did. Marrying me was a mistake. Ouch.

His attachment with her caused him to detach from me and concoct a narrative about our relationship that I didn’t recognize. I felt helpless to do anything about it. It seemed like the man I knew was gone and some other, strange creature had taken his place. Same body, different person.

Experiencing a one-sided attachment rupture is wrenching. My love for him was the same, but his had clearly changed. I realize that my longing for him grew more intense as his rejection of me became more apparent and the threat of divorce loomed large. As author Susan Anderson points out, the ripping pain we experience when our spouse abandons us, can cause us to exaggerate that person’s importance in our lives. After all, we reason, if losing this person’s affection hurts this bad, he/she must mean the world to us. She states, “You elevate their status and power as a way of justifying why you feel so devastated.”[1] This dynamic exalts our Betrandoner onto an unrealistic pedestal, above what our partner deserves.

I asked a therapist I met at a professional workshop on infidelity how she dealt with the sudden hurtful makeover she noticed in her now ex-husband because of his affair.  

She said, “He changed completely. The only explanation I’ve been able to come up with was that aliens had kidnapped him, removed his soul, replaced it with a foreign entity who then took over his body. I don’t recognize the person he’s become. He looks like himself on the outside, but on the inside, he’s inhabited by an alien.”

Inhabited by an alien? An intriguing description of the total heart-change that occurs when a partner detaches from his spouse after attaching himself to another lover, based upon hundreds of similar stories I have heard over the years. 

One of the most painful aspects of affairs and abandonment is the sudden change in a beloved spouse’s demeanor and attitudes. The betraying partner who previously used to show significant consideration for the concerns, hurts, and feelings of his spouse becomes uncharacteristically disconnected, uncaring, and even cruel. The unfaithful one comes across like a different person—a stranger—in the eyes of an unsuspecting spouse and children. This can be very disorienting to an injured spouse.

As a friend and therapist, I have heard countless stories from abandoned spouses about the phenomenon of what I now call “The Alien Syndrome.” Dazed partners sob as they describe formerly loving spouses who suddenly changed into heartless people they no longer recognize. In every case of loving-spouse-turned-stranger, the person was involved with someone outside the marriage, whether known by the faithful partner at the time or not.

Along with this unfamiliar revolution, the straying partner often shows evidence that he is living in another realm, completely clueless about the impact of his choices upon loved ones. The illicit love affair is so intoxicating that the betrayer becomes cocooned in a blanket of elation, self-centeredness, and non-reality. The character changes that result—could be the title of a movie, “The Dawn of the Clueless Alien.”

The most alarming metamorphoses seem to occur with betrayers who go through a true mid-life crisis. The wanderer makes a 180º turn from his former values, goals, language, behavior, and beliefs. These alterations are often drastic and life-changing; usually for the worse. 

While many clinicians and writers offer theories for events that trigger a mid-life meltdown, I have a few of my own:

·     An emotional affair

·     A physical affair

·     A new or evolved addiction

·     Absorption in online pornography

·     Vocational success or failure

·     Kids leaving home

·     Sudden death of a parent or child

·     A life-crisis that creates a crack in the person’s belief system

·     Unhealed early exposure to pornography or sexual abuse

·     A build-up of unresolved hurts from childhood

·     Unrelenting depression

·     A tendency to avoid conflict causing a build-up of resentments

Of all the triggers for a typical mid-life crisis, an emotional, physical, or imagined affair is the most outstanding. Some therapists believe affairs are merely symptoms of underlying personal or marital issues. Other counselors view the affair as the instigator or “cause” of sudden instability in the relationship. I believe both factors can be true. However, whatever the underlying issues, an affair that involves an emotional connection is often the catalyst that causes a person to blow up his or her life as he knew it in order to pursue the solace/high/perceived anti-depressant of “true love” or a perceived “soul mate.” 

No matter what factors are involved, the crisis of infidelity frequently alters the world-view of the betrayer. The effort he or she makes to justify these fresh, euphoric feelings ushers in a new (and usually less conscience-driven) era in the strayer’s life. They discard old beliefs for more agreeable ones. Behaviors that once might have brought shame become acceptable. The wayward spouse often develops a certain cynicism about faith and morality. Fidelity becomes framed as “suffocating” and “constraining.” The strayer hunts for a world-view that allows his forbidden behaviors to be “OK.”  

In the wayward person’s quest to solve the quandary of newfound love verses real-life commitments, he turns everyone else’s world upside down. The betrayer’s behaviors and beliefs radically alter his life and the lives of the spouse, the children, extended family members, and close friends. These changes also affect the lover’s life and family. By ignoring his conscience, the straying person morphs into a home-wrecking nightmare who family members no longer recognize: one who is alien and clueless.

       Most of my clients who seek to recover from an affair-sparked divorce talk about how surprised and distressed they are over the deterioration of character and lovingness in their former spouses. Most notice that a new selfish streak emerges in their partner they have never seen or noticed before. I have heard countless stories about uncharacteristic behaviors by once-caring partners:  

·       Husbands who used to support organizations that promoted abstinence who now frequent prostitutes. 

·       Once-faithful wives who came to think nothing of bar-hopping and running around with other men.  

·       Men who helped other men back from the brink of infidelity, who later shrug off their own extramarital involvements.  

·       People who once embraced virtues of faithfulness, loyalty, and devotion, now scoff at these values as “old-fashioned” or “legalistic.” 

·       Women who valued the sanctity of marriage, who later thought nothing of leaving their spouses to cohabit with an affair partner.

·       Ministers who promoted family values from the pulpit and railed against adultery, who later unabashedly run off with an elder’s wife.

·       Family-focused men who now rarely contact their own kids in favor of parenting a new lover’s young children.

·       Spouses who seldom used an expletive who develop the vocabulary of a truck driver. 

·       Persons who once believed in God who now roll their eyes at the mention of church, prayer, or the bible.

Offended spouses and children often say things to me like: 

“I don’t recognize him/her anymore.” 

“How could he/she do that?!”

“He seems so aloof. Like a stranger.”  

“He wants us to double date. Did you hear that? He wants me to find a boyfriend and go on a date with him and his new lover!”  

“She brought him into our home and had sex on our bed while I was away!”

“How could he tell our son how much happier he is with the other woman, and expect our son to be happy for him?”  

“Why did Daddy bring ________(the other woman) with us to the park? I just want to be with him.”  

“I married my wife because she seemed so sweet. Now she’s become an Ice Queen.”

“I thought he was more special than that (to be sleeping around).”

These changes seem to be part and parcel of affairs, especially when the betrayer continues in his wayward direction and leaves the marriage. Sometimes the pendulum swing is temporary, but for those who persist and justify their behaviors, the changes are often long term.   

Do you recognize any of the above behaviors in your betraying spouse? Some changes (like detachment and distance) are part and parcel of bonding with a new romantic partner. Many folks can’t love more than one person at a time, so when they turn their hearts toward an outside person, the light-switch with their spouse turns off. Some people who appeared mature beyond their years, act like rebellious teenagers when they connect with a new or old girlfriend. Others, who suddenly become selfish and insensitive during an affair, merely reveal character flaws previously held in check and perhaps ignored by an overly gracious spouse. 

Drastic attitude changes are more than a sign of losing that “loving feeling.” Truly loving, healthy people recognize that love is more than a feeling. They don’t radically change their core values when they are disillusioned, disappointed, or temporarily fall out of love with a marital partner. Mature adults do everything they can to restore and repair their existing, committed relationships. They don’t seek solace in the arms of another lover. If they find themselves caught up in an outside friendship that begins to turn romantic, character-driven people recognize their vulnerability, restore boundaries, and seek outside help. They don’t run headlong into a steamy affair. They work to keep and strengthen their lifelong values in the face of crises and pull back from the flames rather than throw their beliefs overboard in order to “follow their hearts.”

 Practical Application.

It is painful to watch your once caring, loving partner turn into a person you no longer recognize. Hopefully, you will find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Infidelity often changes the unfaithful partner into a Clueless Alien—someone who is intrinsically different from the person you married. And it is important to realize that this negative metamorphosis was not your fault. 

The terrible grief you feel is not crazy. Your spouse—as you knew him or her to be—is truly “gone.” Losing a partner through unfaithfulness involves more than losing a contest. It means losing the heart, loyalty, and love of the person you once knew, often—forever. Some have described this experience as worse than losing a partner to death. Rather than from an act of nature, illness, or accident, losing your beloved’s heart and presence feels diabolical and intensely personal. As if he or she has changed from a protective advocate into a treacherous enemy.

Apart from the miracle of radical repentance (which I occasionally see in my practice), you cannot count on your spouse to be trustworthy, compassionate, and considerate toward you. You’ve been disowned, and a stranger has taken over the body of your spouse. He or she may look the same on the outside, but internally, your former spouse has morphed into someone else. Reminiscent of the movie “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” a new brain and heart now occupy the space of the old.

Despite looking like your spouse, the person who walks up to your door to pick up the kids—his lover sitting in the car you once owned—is a mirage. An alien. Internally, he or she is an imposter inhabiting your ex’s body—incapable of humane treatment of you or feeling your pain. Even if he or she shows occasional tears of shame, it is more likely from a place of self-pity than from healthy guilt or empathy for you.

Facing the Alien Syndrome is an important step in your recovery process. You need to let the former spouse “die” and do your best to not expect him or her to resurrect back into the caring, committed spouse you once knew. Reducing your expectations will help you grieve the old and let go of what “was.” 

It is especially important to recognize this alien-switch-out routine when the divorce is in progress. You may think you are dealing with your original spouse, who will sympathize with your need for a fair settlement, but you are not. You need to assume that your future security is of little concern to your once-caring partner. You need to be your own advocate and protect yourself. While I don’t recommend fighting unfairly or battling over your assets to the point of emotional destruction, I encourage my clients to be firm and treat their divorcing spouses like unreliable business partners. Keep it all business.

If your alien spouse acts as if he is doing you a favor, look deeper. There’s a good chance that the terms he is pushing for are mostly favorable to himself (and the new lover). Anyone who would abandon his or her family in order to pursue an outside romance is not worthy of your trust right now. So be on guard and proceed with caution. Scripture teaches us to be “Wise as serpents, harmless as doves.” 

I have worked with many idealistic abandoned spouses who gave up too much in their divorce settlements and later regretted it. They either hoped that being “nice” to their hard-hearted spouses would increase their chances of future reconciliation or feared that standing up for themselves would further antagonize an already hostile partner. It is simply unrealistic to expect a detached spouse to have your best interests in mind. 

While it might seem counterintuitive, I have noticed that the spouses who take firm stands during the divorce process actually preserve what little respect they had between them. Not being a pushover helped them end up with a more livable result financially, and a more respectful relationship with their ex-spouses in the future. 

Here is a list of common character-transformations I’ve observed in those who betray and leave their spouses (highlight or circle the ones you have sadly noticed in your unfaithful spouse):

·       From warm to cold

·       From approachable to distant

·       From empathetic to uncaring

·       From open and disclosing to closed off and secretive

·       From aware of others’ feelings, to extremely insensitive to others’ feelings

·       From truthful to deceitful

·       From attached to detached

·       From kind to cruel

·       From others centered, to self-absorbed

·       From mature to infantile

·       From religious to rebellious 

·       From conventional to unconventional

·       From traditional to Bohemian

·       From conventional to fringy

·       From generous to stingy

·       From somewhat skeptical to very cynical

·       From moral to immoral

·       From valuing integrity to judging people who value integrity

·       From many friends to very few

·       From choosing healthy friends to hanging around compromising ones

·       From a tender conscience to a callous conscience

·       From decent language to crass language

·       From mildly prideful to outright arrogant

·       From humble to defensive

·       From mildly defensive to stone-like

·       From trustworthy to conniving

·       From secure to suspicious

·       From trusting to paranoid

·       From believing the best about you to assuming the worst about you

·       From dependable to undependable

·       From trustworthy to parsing words to mislead

·       From agreeable to defiant

·       From reasonable to stubborn

Now that you have identified these changes, ask yourself these questions:

·       Would I have married ___________ if he/she was the person then that he/she is today?

·       Would I have seriously dated this man/woman in the first place had I witnessed these new “values” or character traits?

·       Are the current personality changes in my spouse ones that I respect and admire?

·       How much of myself have I compromised in order to save the relationship? Is this something I am proud of? Do I want to continue on this path?

·       If I had the chance, would I want to adopt the Clueless Alien’s views and lifestyle in order to be with him? How much of me (my identity, values, character) would I have to lose in order to gain his approval? 

·       How can I use the lessons of my experience—the agony of watching my spouse morph into an unloving, insensitive stranger—to make me determined to draw closer to the Lord and be a positive, loving parent to my kids?

It is also important that you maintain your own bearings and not allow this traumatic experience to change your own values and character. You did not force this extra-terrestrial creature to cavort with another man or woman who has no respect for your marriage. You are not like them, and neither should you allow this crazy-making experience to break down your own moral codes.

And, while your ex-spouse may have taken a change for the worse, he is still a human being loved by God. And God will eventually judge him in the fairest way possible. Just because this person treats you with coldness and contempt does not give you the liberty to treat him/her in kind. Adopting appropriate boundaries and maintaining one’s self-respect are good habits for abandoned spouses, but returning evil for evil is not. Amid unwanted intimate rejection, we need to entrust our pain to the Lord and surrender our desire for revenge to Him.

This is a time to remember that even though your estranged or ex-spouse has changed, your Lord will not. He is faithful. He is consistent in His character. He does not lie or swerve in His love for you. He is committed to you for life. And you can relax. He will bring eventual justice to your partner. Here are some verses to remind you of that fact and hopefully bring comfort to you:

Galatians 6:7 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a person sows, this he will also reap” (NASB).

I Samuel 15:29 “He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind.”

Psalm 57:10 “For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Isaiah 41:9b, 10 “You are my servant. I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

James 1:16, 17 “Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

So even though you feel tricked, fooled, abandoned, and rejected by your emotionally alien spouse, in the long run, he or she won’t get away with it. And be assured, God is not like that. He is the same, through and through. His love never changes. He will never abandon or betray you. You are safe with Him.

[1] Anderson, S. (2000). The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. 131