BLOG: How Did I Get Here?
Ever wondered how a decent, loving human being can turn into the kind of person who would coldly harm his/her spouse, upend their children’s lives, and turn away from God? A number of formerly unfaithful spouses have validated the following progression from faithful to unfaithful and rejecting:
THE EVOLUTION:
You fell in love, got married and over time the illusions of endless evenings of fascinating, intimate conversations over candlelight dinners topped off with hours of steamy sex with your spouse are gone. Your dreams have been replaced with the tough realities of real life, relating to someone who is imperfect and different than you, difficult to please, or full of hang-ups you can’t begin to relate to.
In time, your hidden disappointments start camping out in the cellar of your mind, storing left over data from each conflict that goes unresolved. Over the years you’ve built quite a storehouse, and the “guests” of discontent, pain, and self-pity are beginning to crowd their quarters in your subconscious mind.
Then along comes some sort of trigger event. Perhaps a death in the family. Or, a job loss. Or, a bitter dispute with your boss. Or, betrayal by a friend. Or, an old, unresolved grief pops up. Or, an intense issue with your spouse that causes you to “snap”. Or, burnout. Or, the birth of a colicky child. Or, a general feeling of disillusionment with life. Or, you’ve reached the top and wonder, “Is that all there is?” Whatever the cause, your unhappiness stirs the angry “guests” of resentment hiding below the surface. The “guests” begin pounding the floor for some sort of relief.
And suddenly, there it is. Relief comes in the form of a welcome friendship with a person of the opposite sex. You find this person invigorating. Refreshing. Attractive. Fun. Unlike your dull, ordinary spouse.
You find yourself looking forward to any interaction you can find to have with this person who seems to care about you. He/she is so understanding and focused on you. Unlike your seemingly small-minded partner who takes you for granted.
You like yourself better with this person who reflects a shinier, more wonderful “you” back to yourself. You like how you look in this other person’s eyes. Much better than who you see in the mirror your spouse provides.
You play with the notion of a romantic fling, but dismiss it as out of the question, given your current circumstances. But, you wonder what it would be like….
So you keep flirting, toying with the idea, gobbling up the flattering attention this person provides. It seems so innocent. Just a little harmless fun.
In time, one of you makes a move. A certain glance. A touch. A connection.
The sparks ignite your mind to race, your heart to pound, and soon you are engulfed in the flames of desire.
You pray, “God – help me! I am sinking into a sea of confusing emotions and I feel too disoriented to find my way out.”
You do not realize that you are under the influence of hormone driven drugs. Dopamine and phenylethylamine have begun to flood your brain. The average range these hormones can keep up this rate of release is 1 ½ to maybe 2-3 years max. But you don’t know that yet. It FEELS more real than anything you’ve experienced in a long time. And you think it could last forever.
Your conscience comes under the influence of these mesmerizing feelings and you convince yourself that if this feels so good, it couldn’t be wrong. You wonder if you need to pray harder. “God, forgive me for what I am about to do….”
Your exhilarating emotions and palpitating heart begin to shut off whatever feelings of love you had for your spouse.
Your longing for forbidden fruit must be “explained” in some way to yourself. You spend hours puzzling over how you got yourself into this horrid trap and how you can extricate yourself from it with the least amount of damage possible.
So, you debate. Should I… [get involved, consummate our love, divorce my spouse – whatever stage you are at]… or shouldn’t I? What you are forgetting is whenever a person questions what he knows to be true (such as one of God’s clear commands); he opens himself up to deception.
You don’t recognize that your ability to reason and think logically has been severely compromised. Those pesky hormones are weaving a spell over you that is more persuasive and powerful than all your reasoning powers, previous value system and religious beliefs combined. These bio-drugs have even convinced you that you are currently in your right mind. That this relationship is the answer to whatever lousy, boring, miserable existence you had prior to discovering your soul-mate.
So, against your waning better judgment, you continue to spend hours on the telephone, emailing, texting and in clandestine encounters with this newfound love. You have finally found your true other half!
You are in over your head, only you don’t know it because your current state of ecstasy has you bamboozled. You feel more alive, more empowered, more attractive, more loving, and more lovable than you’ve ever felt in your entire life.
Therefore, you reason, since you feel these good feelings so intensely, it must be true love. All prior moralizing is suddenly in question in the light of this new reality.
You convince yourself that you have awakened from a very bad dream and what you are experiencing now is real life -- as it ought to be lived. But how do you explain this mysterious, oh-so-wonderful state of being? You MUST find an explanation, in order to live with yourself and hush that nagging conscience of yours. The lying, the hiding, the illicit indulgences both energize and torment you at the same time.
You think hard. Perhaps you were never really that happy with your spouse. How could you be so in love with this new person if your current marriage was really meeting your needs? And, you insist, you are entitled to having all your needs met. You conclude that must be it. Your new lover isn’t the issue. Your poor choices aren’t the issue. Your dizzying emotions aren’t the issue. The reason you are floating so high is that you were held down with a ball and chain. The real issue is your spouse. Your marriage was dull, dead, or worse, and that’s why you were so ripe for this new relationship.
This new love is merely a symptom of a very troubled marriage (and if you are in counseling, your misguided therapist affirms this notion). So, it’s not your fault after all. You become an expert at blame-shifting. Fooling yourself and anyone you confide in. Ahhh. That feels better. Now you are starting to find some relief from the tension over your dilemma. You begin to relax just a little. You figure God must be letting up on you, too, when actually your conscience is becoming crusted over as your justifications take root.
The “love potion” flowing so freely between you and the new Mr. or Ms. Right, acts as an invisible poison, contaminating your marital interactions, alienating your affection, and tearing away at the bonds that once connected you. Your secrets have created a dull haze over the emotional climate of your marriage. Yet, you use this lack of luster to reinforce your growing belief that your spouse is not good for your health.
You are amazed you hadn’t seen it so clearly before. Since your feelings have clicked off toward your spouse, their negative traits glare at you with the intrusion of a policeman’s spotlight. You are able to recall with ease all the annoying things your spouse ever did or the good things they never did. The lack of chemistry, their irritating habits, the inconsideration, the lack of affection. You reflect on their personality hang-ups that have gotten under your skin so many times. What you had to put up with! You seethe. No wonder you were so miserable!
As you build your case, selectively remembering and even exaggerating the worst times in your relationship, you begin to feel more and more justified in your affair. Over and over you rehearse all the instances where you’ve been deprived and/or mistreated. You recall with crystal clarity the ways you were ripped off. Cheated of the joys of an all-fulfilling marriage. Poor, unfortunate you.
Your selective memory reconstructs the story of your marital history the way it ought to have been written. How could you have been so blind before? It was this way all along, and you were such a fool not to recognize it. Suddenly, everything starts to fall into place.
One by one, your rationalizations build a story that makes complete sense to you in your altered state. You don’t recognize the way your emotions are helping you distort reality and hopelessly adjust the lens through which you see the world. These new views are not content to remain on the surface. They seep into your soul and transform your very character.
You argue in your own mind with God. You tell Him your woes and solicit His sympathy. After all, He knows your “heart.” He sees your pain. Certainly He couldn’t blame you.
In fact, you aren’t so sure He is there, as He seems rather silent at the moment. “God, where are you?”
Empathy for your family gets crushed beneath the weighty monster of self-pity. Poor trapped, miserable you. Soon, self-pity becomes one of your dominant emotions, linking arms with your intense longing for your new sweetheart.
You conclude, “I have given up so much for everyone else all my life. I’ve never put my own needs first. Now it’s MY turn!”
Don’t think about the fact you are breaking five of the big TEN (Don’t lie, Don’t covet, Don’t steal, Don’t commit adultery, Don’t have any other gods before me). “After all, God is a loving God. He wants me to be happy. Right?” And so your self-talk continues with more soothing words…
“God will forgive me. After all, He’s a God of GRACE. All those rules were for the OLD Testament days.” You keep telling yourself this. Over and over again.
“No wonder I was so inhibited. I was hanging around a bunch of judgmental people. I don’t want to be like them. I want to be more enlightened. More loving. More accepting. More compassionate. Of course, I can’t look at my complete lack of compassion for my spouse and children or others close to me or under my tutelage. That would not fit my image of myself.”
“I like this. I can’t believe how judgmental I used to be. I used to be so unloving toward people who were in my position. Now I can see what it’s like to be in their shoes. They were really just in need of true love. They aren’t bad people. Just like me. I am not a bad person.”
“I’m entitled to this new love-interest in my life. I deserve to get out of this oppressive marriage. I need to let go of worrying about what others will think of me if I get divorced (and take off with my lover). I’m tired of trying to measure up to everyone else’s expectations. I need to get free of performance pressure. Perhaps that is what this is all about. I have lived my life trying to please others and denied my true self. Well, no more.” In time, your thoughts become hardened.
“Spouse? What spouse? He/she is a non-person to me. I am all that matters. I. I. I. ME. ME. ME. MY emotions. MY needs. What? My spouse is in a lot of pain? He/she is crushed? Devastated? Shattered? I don’t understand. I’M the one who is hurting. It’s MY turn to take care of ME!!! I can’t be bothered with concerns for him/her if I am going to make sure I meet MY needs.”
“My KIDS? What about the kids? Oh, they’ll be OK. It’s no big deal. They will want me to be happy in the long run. I would harm them more staying in an unhappy marriage. Things have really deteriorated. We would just fight all the time and that would be worse. [Don’t make me look at how my betrayal accelerated the deterioration of our marriage, crushed my spouse to the core, and caused his/her irrational reactions. It’s not my fault my mate can’t handle it.]”
“My spouse is disturbed by my anger? But I feel suffocated! He/she is trying to save our marriage against my will. I’ve GOT to be angry so he/she will let go! I’ve GOT to blame my spouse so I don’t have to look at myself. I cannot bear to feel one more ounce of grief or guilt over my actions, so I must project my own guilt upon my spouse to protect myself.”
“You think I am being insensitive? Cold-hearted? But what about ME??? I am all that matters. My lover and I have created a whole new world and we are happy. How dare you try to ruin my new life!”
“My children are sobbing at night and having nightmares?” you ask in disbelief. “Their grades have dropped and they are having fits? Honestly. It’s just another ploy by my guilt-tripping spouse! Once I get on with this new life, my kids will come around. I will show them what a good parent I am. Just watch. I’ll make it up to them. You’ll see.”
“How come everyone is so upset? Can’t they see that I am in love? What’s all the commotion about? Just let me have my way.”
“I hate you! You are trying to interfere with my happiness. All of you. Just get out of my life!”
“Of course I don’t think divorce is a good thing. No, it was NOT caused by the affair. Will you please get that through your head? There wasn’t any other option. Staying trapped in this miserable marriage would have ruined my life. God understands. And if He doesn’t, that’s too bad. I wouldn’t want to serve that kind of a god anyway.”
“Ah…now that I am away from that burdensome ex-spouse of mine, I need to keep my guard up so I don’t have to feel any guilt over what I’ve done. I must keep finding fault with him/her so I don’t have to look at myself.”
“I must keep up this game of pretend. Pretending that what I did was the best choice I had at the time. Pretending that the kids weren’t impacted. Pretending that my new life with Mr. or Ms. Wonderful was really worth it. Pretending my new spouse is trustworthy. Pretending that everything will be OK.”
“What? You say one of my kids is struggling with drugs? He was picked up by the police last night? What’s this world coming to! My spouse is such a lousy parent. Too strict [or too lax]. No wonder the kid has become rebellious. I should have fought for total custody.”
“You think I caused this problem? That I have shattered this child’s life? That the turmoil over the divorce has driven him to bad friends to find acceptance and to poor behaviors to numb his pain? It’s my spouse’s fault! Not mine!”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU. YOU ARE NOT MAKING SENSE. Don’t look at me. Everyone else is to blame. I am not responsible for my kids’ choices.”
“My daughter is pregnant and wants to marry the bum? But she’s only 17. I think she should have an abortion. I’ll talk to her about it. Of course I think abortion isn’t a good thing. But it’s her only option. Having a child at this age would ruin her life. She needs to find a way out [just like I did]. I know God will understand.”
“My son is divorcing his wife? But they have two childr…oops. I can’t go there.”
“My daughter is terrified of commitment? She’s living with another dependent boyfriend? She’s paying all the bills? Sensitive, starving artist type, huh. At least he’s not abusive like the last one.”
“Why do I have these bad dreams? I am tense all the time. I thought I shoved down that crazy-making guilt a long time ago. My doctor says my ills are stress related. I wonder…”
“My second (or third) spouse has sure let me down. I thought he/she was my soul-mate. I can’t understand what happened. The passion has diminished and I feel like he/she doesn’t try very hard to meet my needs. I feel so unhappy. Besides, all this constant criticism and monitoring my whereabouts is driving me crazy.”
“That person at work sure makes me feel good. At least she laughs at my jokes. Her smile warms my heart. And she seem so attentive. Maybe I ought to confide in her…”
So, do you get the picture? If you persist on this hazardous journey, you will likely become an insensitive, rationalizing, untrustworthy human being that you no longer recognize. So, now is the time to stop, ponder, and do a BIG U-turn!!