When my husband became emotionally involved with another woman and eventually abandoned our marriage, I thought I was only grieving the loss of a relationship. What I didn’t understand was that his betrayal had awakened wounds much older than my marriage.
Years earlier, as a thirteen-year-old girl, I climbed into the passenger seat of my father’s car after school. It quickly became obvious that he was intoxicated. As he sped past our freeway exit and swerved across lanes of traffic, I realized he didn’t remember the way home. At one point he drifted toward the shoulder of the road and a steep drop-off. Terrified, I grabbed the steering wheel from the passenger seat and jerked the car back onto the pavement.
Rather than thanking me, he mocked me. “You think you’re so smart, YOU drive!” I reached over and shakily steered the car the rest of the way down the hill.
For years afterward, I suffered recurring nightmares about being in a car that plunged over cliffs. Although I did not recognize it at the time, that frightening experience left deep emotional scars.
Decades later, when my husband’s affair threatened my marriage, many of those same feelings resurfaced. Once again, someone I loved was making dangerous choices. Once again, I felt powerless to stop the destruction. Once again, someone who should have protected me was causing harm instead.
Trauma researchers have long recognized that new trauma often reactivates old wounds. Trauma specialist Joyce E. Smith explains that when a current betrayal resembles earlier painful experiences, multiple trauma networks can become activated simultaneously. In other words, we are not only reacting to what is happening now. We are also reacting to what happened before.
This helps explain why many betrayed spouses feel overwhelmed by their reactions. They wonder why they cannot “just move on.” They may feel ashamed of their anxiety, panic attacks, hypervigilance, nightmares, rage, or inability to concentrate.
The answer is simple: betrayal trauma is not merely emotional pain. It is a profound injury to the nervous system.
Psychologist Shirley Glass often described infidelity as discovering that the trusted spouse you thought you knew was living a secret life. The shock is not unlike discovering that a highly decorated military officer is actually a foreign spy. The deeper the trust, the greater the devastation when that trust is violated.
Research also suggests that trauma inflicted intentionally by another person is often more damaging than trauma caused by accidents or natural disasters. When the person responsible is a parent, caregiver, or spouse, the injury strikes at the very foundations of safety, attachment, and identity.
Many betrayed spouses need to hear this:
--Your symptoms make sense.
--Your anxiety does not mean you are weak.
--Your hypervigilance does not mean you are crazy.
--Your grief does not mean you are failing spiritually.
--Your reactions are understandable responses to profound relational injury.
One healing approach that has helped many trauma survivors can be summarized with four words used by therapist Jan Frank: Face, Trace, Replace, and Erase.
First, we must FACE the trauma.
Healing begins when we stop minimizing what happened. We name the betrayal for what it was. We acknowledge our sorrow, fear, anger, humiliation, and grief. We stop criticizing ourselves for feeling devastated and begin validating the depth of our loss.
Second, we TRACE the pain.
Current wounds often connect to earlier experiences. A spouse’s abandonment may awaken childhood feelings of rejection. An affair may reactivate old beliefs of being unworthy, unwanted, or unsafe. Tracing these emotional echoes helps us understand why present events feel so overwhelming.
Third, we REPLACE the lies.
Traumatic experiences often leave us with distorted beliefs:
--“I am unlovable.”
--“I wasn’t worth protecting.”
--“This happened because something is wrong with me.”
Healing requires replacing those false conclusions with truth. For Christians, this includes embracing God’s perspective rather than the damaging messages left behind by wounded people.
During one season of my own healing journey, I worked with a Christian therapist who used prayer-oriented trauma work. As I revisited painful memories and invited Christ into those scenes, something remarkable happened. Long-held assumptions began to change. The shame lost its grip. New meanings emerged. The events themselves did not disappear, but their power over me diminished.
Finally, we ERASE the sting.
We cannot literally erase traumatic memories. However, when painful memories become connected to truth, safety, perspective, and God’s presence, they lose their ability to dominate our daily lives.
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The memory remains, but the terror subsides.
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The event is remembered, but no longer relived.
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The nervous system learns that the danger is over.
This process reflects an important biblical reality. Throughout Scripture, God repeatedly reminds his people of his presence. The promised Messiah would be called Emmanuel—”God with us.” Jesus promised, “I am with you always.”
Many trauma survivors need more than intellectual knowledge of this truth. They need to experience it personally. They need to know that God saw what happened. He witnessed the betrayal. He understands the grief. He was not absent during their suffering.
Healing prayer and other visual therapies that access the part of the brain where traumatic memories are stored can change the meaning of a terrifying event. When a vision or sense of Jesus’ presence is inserted into the trapped memory of the experience, it can change the negative meaning of the trauma, unlock it from the brain’s defense mechanisms, and allow God’s comfort to penetrate in a way that mere talking about it cannot.
For those recovering from infidelity and unwanted divorce, hope does not come from pretending the pain was insignificant. Hope comes from acknowledging the wound, seeking wise help, and allowing God to meet us in our deepest places of hurt.
The Lord specializes in healing broken hearts.
If you are struggling with betrayal and abandonment trauma, do not give up. Continue seeking help. Continue pursuing truth. Look for a trauma-informed therapist who knows how to integrate trauma-therapies with spiritual realities. Continue asking God to reveal his presence in your story.
Your trauma may explain your pain, but it does not have to define your future.
The same God who witnessed your suffering is also able to redeem it.
References:
· Joyce E. Smith, Trauma and Transformation (Alathia Publishing, 2003).
· Shirley P. Glass, Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (New York: Free Press, 2003).
· Glenn R. Schiraldi, The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook (McGraw-Hill, various editions).
· Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score (New York: Viking, 2014).
· Kathy Nickerson, The Courage to Stay (Penguin Random House, 2022).
· Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are taken from: The Holy Bible, Berean Study Bible
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If you would like a list of trauma-informed therapies, click on the link below to download a free pdf of the list from my book: https://www.lindajmacdonald.com/trauma-resources