Why Betrayal and Spousal Abandonment can Cause Symptoms of PTSD
“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” — Peter A. Levine
When people think of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), they often picture combat veterans, survivors of violent crime, or victims of natural disasters. Few realize that discovering a spouse’s affair—or worse, enduring both infidelity and unwanted divorce—can trigger many of the same symptoms, such as trembling, nightmares, and flashbacks.
Yet for countless betrayed spouses, that is exactly what happens.
King David captured the anguish of betrayal in Psalm 55 after learning that both his son and a trusted friend had turned against him. “Fear and trembling overwhelm me. I can’t stop shaking,” he wrote. His words sound remarkably similar to the experiences of many betrayed spouses today.
Most of us marry believing our spouse intends to keep the vows they made. We trust that the person who promised to “forsake all others” will remain faithful. We certainly never imagine that the same person could one day deceive us, reject us, and dismantle the life we built together.
When betrayal occurs, it can feel like a double trauma: first the affair, then the rejection.
When Trauma Begins
In my own marriage, the first hints of trouble seemed manageable. I believed honesty, counseling, and faith would help us weather a temporary storm. But when I sensed my husband emotionally pulling away, something inside me shifted.
My body began trembling uncontrollably. I lost my appetite. Sleep became nearly impossible. My thoughts raced endlessly as I replayed conversations and searched for clues I had missed. The woman who had once felt secure as a wife, mother, and therapist suddenly felt terrified and helpless.
Over the following months, the symptoms intensified. I became hypervigilant, monitoring every facial expression and tone of voice. I struggled to concentrate, misplaced everyday items, and often felt detached from my surroundings. Eventually, nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts became regular companions.
At the time, neither my therapists nor I recognized these symptoms as trauma. We viewed them primarily through the lens of anxiety.
We were wrong.
Betrayal Trauma Is Real
Researchers now recognize that intimate betrayal can trigger symptoms remarkably similar to PTSD. In fact, many betrayed spouses experience obsessive thinking, hyperarousal, flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance behaviors, emotional numbness, and difficulty concentrating.
Why is betrayal so devastating?
Because the threat comes from the very person who was supposed to provide safety.
Betrayal trauma specialist Dr. Jill Manning explains that betrayal differs from other forms of trauma in two important ways. First, the perpetrator is someone with whom the victim shares a close attachment. Second, because marriages involve homes, finances, children, and extended family, victims often cannot simply walk away from the source of their pain.
The result is a uniquely destabilizing experience.
Unlike a random accident or assault, betrayal attacks the foundation of trust upon which intimate relationships are built.
The Biology of Heartbreak
Trauma is not simply emotional; it is physiological.
When we encounter danger, our brains release stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. These chemicals activate our fight, flight, or freeze responses. When the threat passes, our bodies gradually return to normal.
But what happens when the danger feels ongoing?
For many betrayed spouses, the threat remains present every day. The unfaithful partner may still be living in the home, continuing the affair, wavering between two relationships, or threatening divorce. As a result, the nervous system remains on high alert.
This prolonged activation can lead to insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, memory difficulties, physical illness, and emotional exhaustion.
In short, the body behaves as though the danger never ended.
Trauma Bonds and Abandonment
One of the most confusing aspects of betrayal is the intense attachment many people continue to feel toward the spouse who hurt them.
Author Patrick Carnes calls this a trauma bond—a dysfunctional attachment formed in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. The more threatened the relationship becomes, the more desperately some spouses cling to it.
I often compare it to grabbing a live electrical wire. The current is painful, but letting go feels impossible.
Abandonment compounds the injury begun by the affair.
Psychiatrist Dr. Richard Rosse describes what he calls Love Trauma Syndrome, while author Susan Anderson refers to abandonment as a form of post-traumatic stress. Both observed that the sudden loss of a cherished attachment can produce symptoms strikingly similar to other traumatic events.
Human beings are wired for connection. We are designed to form deep attachments with parents, spouses, and loved ones. When those attachments rupture unexpectedly, our nervous systems interpret the loss as a profound threat.
That is why abandonment can feel life-altering.
Overt and Covert Rejection
Abandonment does not always involve a legal divorce.
Sometimes a spouse remains physically present while emotionally disengaging from the marriage. They withdraw affection, refuse accountability, continue secret behaviors, or show little interest in repair. Although still under the same roof, they have effectively abandoned the relationship.
This covert abandonment can be every bit as painful as overt desertion.
Many betrayed spouses eventually realize they cannot save a marriage alone. Filing for divorce under such circumstances does not necessarily mean they wanted the marriage to end. It often means they have finally accepted the painful reality that their partner has already left emotionally.
Healing Begins with Validation
One of the greatest gifts we can offer betrayed and abandoned spouses is accurate language for their experience.
Twenty-five years ago, very little information existed connecting infidelity, abandonment, with trauma. Today, researchers increasingly recognize betrayal trauma, relationship PTSD, trauma bonding, and abandonment trauma as legitimate responses to profound relational wounds.
Not everyone develops full-blown PTSD after infidelity or divorce. But many do experience significant trauma symptoms that deserve understanding and treatment.
Healing begins when people realize they are not crazy, weak, or overreacting.
They are responding normally to an abnormal experience.
When the person who promised to love and protect you becomes dangerous to your emotional, psychological, relational, and financial health, they become the source of your deepest pain. Your survival instincts kick in and your mind, body, and spirit naturally react. Understanding that reality is often the first step toward recovery—and toward reclaiming hope after heartbreak.
If you would like a free chart of the common Symptoms of Interpersonal Trauma, click on the link below to download a free pdf of the chart from my book: https://www.lindajmacdonald.com/trauma-resources
References
- Peter A. Levine, quoted in the chapter “The Trauma from the Drama.”
- Psalm 55:4–7 (NLT).
- Shirley P. Glass, Not Just Friends.
- Jill Manning, writings and presentations on betrayal trauma.
- Jennifer Freyd, betrayal trauma research.
- Patrick Carnes, The Betrayal Bond.
- Richard Rosse, The Love Trauma Syndrome.
- Susan Anderson, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing.
- Vaneetha Risner, personal account of discovering marital betrayal.
- Shirley P. Glass, Not Just Friends, discussion of post-traumatic responses in betrayed spouses.